Lost in myself

I often wonder how I got here, I think about my decisions in life. I’ve made some great decisions and then there were those I wished I could take back; but if I took them back would that change who I am today?  I think so, I believe ALL of our experiences are meant for our own personal, spiritual and emotional growth.

As the years have passed I have suffered life as well as enjoyed it immensely. Did I think ten years ago I would be where I am at today? Not in a million years. And that’s life, you never know what each new day will bring or how life will change you.

Today I am in a very difficult place, struggling day by day to survive our financial deficit. struggling to keep my special girl healthy and provide her with the best opportunities in life, wondering why I cannot get out of a bad spot before another one pops up in front of me. Today, I questioned if God is hearing my prayers. My prayers for strength and patience. Prayers for the health of my family and a shimmer of light to guide us in the right direction. Today, I found myself in a scary place. At the edge of losing my faith.

Sophie is once again sick with RSV. It’s not enough that she battled it for the first year of her life fighting to survive until she was placed on the synagis vaccine given to premature babies and babies with compromised immune systems to prevent RSV. And even with while receiving the vaccine until she was two she could not shake the left over affects. This sickness that we cannot escape is my biggest fear in life!

I have felt lost for quite some time now. Wondering where I have disappeared too, I can feel myself trying to fight my way back. Back to life, back to being Charity again. Not the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister or even the friend. Although those are extensions of me and I cannot be a whole without them I mean, me.  I sometimes feel like I don’t exist. I feel sad, tired and unappreciated.

Today as I made my way back to the hospital to take my husband dinner after he decided he would stay the night with Sophie so I could stay home with the baby, I felt for just a second that I’m still here. Somewhere inside hidden under the pain, hiding behind the fear to let go and live.

I have always loved music that is my peace. I’m the one in the family videos seen at 9 yrs old dancing merengue with my beloved grandfather. Listening to music to calm me, to dance, to sleep and just enjoy. It’s so easy to find the right song that describes “you” at just the right moment.

Today I found myself alone with the volume turned to the max and for just a second I felt joy, I felt freedom and I remembered who I used to be. I used to be beautiful, sexy, happy, fun, vibrant and vivacious! Then it was gone, and all I could do was sob and sob and sob. My joy was simply overpowered by fear, sadness and a sense of loss. But this sense of loss was “a loss of me”.

I try to have no regrets in life because I believe even the really bad experiences if you choose will help you grow.  I am honest and very real, I don’t sugar coat my life. My reality is “my life is tough” it’s busy and even crazy sometimes. And I would not change it for something different. But I hope I can one day find myself again, I will certainly try.

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