As a child and through my teen years I was always thin. My younger sister Gloria was always the plumper one and my aunt whom I grew up with (as sisters) and is three years older than me was too. I was always thin yet allowing low self-esteem to take control of my life so very young. Ironically now that we have all had children and are older they are thin and I am plump. Most people think I am very tall but I’m not. I’m only five foot six inches tall. I’m the shortest of my siblings, my brother is around 6.2 and sisters are 5.11 and 5.8.
After the birth of my first child at age 16 my body completely changed. I was a size 3 no more! I was introduced to the world of big hips and chunkiness ballooning to a size 12, double digits! But I was so in love with my baby and a wonderful man who did not seem bothered by my new-found figure that I was ok with it, for a while. I don’t know what triggered the disgust in myself but it happened a few years later. I took up aerobics in my living room before and after work. And after I lost some weight and was down to a size 8 found out I was 9 weeks pregnant with baby #3. And again I was fine with the weight gain, for a few years that is until I fell back into the self-hatred cycle.
I then found myself again in this mode of self-disgust. By this time my children were 3, 5, & 8 yrs old. We had just bought our second home and we decided I would take some time off for myself. That’s when I decided I needed to make a change having reached 218lbs moving into a size 18 I needed a change in my life. Together with my aunt who wanted to lose baby weight her husband and mine we started a diet and exercise regimen. My aunt and I hit the gym in the am for 1-2 hours and then at night with the spouses. This was almost daily even on the weekends combined with a total “how we eat makeover”. I kept a journal which really helped me stay on track and ate 6-9 small meals a day, that was so hard. In less than six months I went from 218 to 155lbs lost over 20 inches through out my body and dropped 6 sizes. But I was not happy. I still saw my self huge in the mirror despite being able to purchase all the sexy clothes my heart desired.
Then came baby #4 and a few extra pounds. That weight came off pretty quickly. But it was not until after my special little girl was in this world that it once again came piling back on to my already voluptuous apple bottom! But then something happened. It did not seem important anymore, for the first time in my life my weight was not important. With so much more going on in my life I realized I had been obsessed with my looks and it had been the culprit of many years of sadness.
Today I am once again plump. I am healthy, I eat very healthy although I cannot manage to fit in more than 2 meals a day in my life but I am active and weigh 198 lbs and a size 14. Yep that’s right! Hard to believe, right? That’s what the doctor told me at my last visit, he would have guessed 170 at the highest. I’m just a full figured girl.
Society is so judgemental with larger women. Designers do not like to cater to any body that does not resemble that of an anorexic silhouette. But do they realize that half of the women in America wear a size 14! It’s true! I like most women have good and bad days. Some days I feel great about myself and other days I will look in the mirror and feel fat and old. The difference is that I have accepted who I am. I have recently been contemplating losing some weight watching everyone around me taking these life transformation challenges but do I really want to? That is what I am having trouble with. It’s not that I would not like to drop a few sizes, I’ve done it before I know I can do it again.
My dilemma time, my time is already so limited. I honestly do not want to spend any free time I have exercising and I LOVE food. I would rather spend an extra hour with a good book or reading blogs with a glass or two of wine. I eat very healthy and I enjoy eating what I want when I want it and I would like to eat it without feeling guilty. I have six children and I still have a figure and I think that’s awesome! If I work out I want to it be because I enjoy doing it not because it’s work.
I have learned that being thin will not make you happy unless you transform yourself on the inside first. I look back now to when I was very thin (picture in red above) and cannot comprehend how I still hated my looks. I see the pictures now and realize while I love wearing all the clothes it did not make me happy. I also see this beautiful young woman who had so much growing up to do. That’s not who I am anymore!
So while I commend all those brave people who are making a change for the better in their lives I feel quite content in my full figure at this point in my life. I think I look pretty darn good too!