The In-law…

Many years ago when I met my husband he would tell me stories of his “amazingly wonderful mother”. I was so happy for him, he had the type of mother I always wanted. From the beginning of our relationship I knew how important it was for him to help his mother so for me that was not a subject I ever touched. When we had our first child I was only sixteen and could not work, plus we did not have anyone to stay with our son. I learned of his humble childhood but I had not realized how difficult it was for him until my first visit to Dominican Republic where I met his mother and siblings. I remember holding my pee for over eight hours because I refused to use the “out house” because she had no bathroom or shower. Thank goodness we stayed with his grandparents from his father’s side or I honestly would have died. She had no kitchen either and a tiny little house. We used to send her money every month and sometimes we would have bologna sandwiches for weeks on end because that’s all we could afford after sending her money. I remember washing our laundry in the bathtub and not having money for diapers but her money never failed. As the years passed the amount we sent her became larger and when income tax came around she would get a nice chunk from us. The few times we visited I would take her boxes of linens, clothing for her other children, kitchen items and toiletries. Before we would return home from our trips my hubby would pay her debts and buy her groceries. We had a kitchen, bathroom and extra bedroom added to her home. His plan was to become a citizen and get his mom her permanent residency, and so he did. She was to come live with us and I would work days instead of nights and we would pay her to babysit so we could have more time together as a family. Who better to watch your children than your own “wonderful mother” right?! Be careful what you wish for!

When the day finally arrived and she set foot here in the USA I was just a few months pregnant with Elyas my fourth child. I was so excited! I thought she would be the mom I never had, I bought her a whole new wardrobe and even had a welcome party for her. I remember hugging her and welcoming her not only into my home but into my life. We had just bought a new home and I was not working so I was looking forward to bonding time.

Within a week she had managed to ruin all of my clothes because she HAD to wash clothes and had begun to take over my home. I did not want to be disrespectful so I told my hubby to please speak with her, he never did. Then the crying episodes began because she missed her kids; might I add they are grown. I noticed something was not right when she would go outside and become hysterical when my hubby would cuddle with me before going to work because he should be spending time with her according to her. And she threw fits if  my hubby brought me flowers and not her. I treated her better than my own family fixing her hair and nails weekly. Then I noticed she was being mean to my kids and so I requested that she go stay with some friends until I had the baby and was ready to go back to work. By this time my hubby and I were fighting everyday and she was telling him I was mean to her and she wanted to be the center of attention all the time, I could not take it anymore.

When she returned I thought things would be better, this time I spoke with her and asked her to please not intervene with the kids doing their chores and not to feed the baby after a certain time because I would nurse him as soon as I got home. As if intentionally she told my kids she would clean their room and let them run lose totally disregarding our routine. And she would feed the baby just before I arrived home until I was not able to nurse anymore. At one point she became so possessive that she would run when the baby would cry and almost knocked me down one day, my husband witnessed that told her she needed to give me space with my baby.

It was as if she was trying to take my place or eliminate me from the picture altogether. The years passed and things just got worse and worse, here I was fighting with my husband everyday. His mother living with us for free getting everything her heart desired plus being paid to babysit and all she did was watch soap operas all day long. My kids would cry to me about her, she would tell them “why the are so bad” or when she turned away jewelry my daughter made her because “it was ugly and she did not like it”. Seriously, what kind of person would turn away a gift from a child?!

After a couple of years I realized my husband had changed too to resemble her personality. He was cold and distant, she convinced him I was getting “too pretty”. This created a big problem. I guess I was not a good wife if I lost weight and started dressing more form-fitting. The fact that I worked at an engineering firm had nothing to do with me dressing really nice. This ended in separation and almost divorce. My hubby admitted to me he finally saw his mother’s true colors and the hate she had for me in the time we were separated.

Because I love my husband I worked on putting it all in the past and moving forward allowing her to return to our home. Then Sophie was born. When I cried in fear of losing my child she would tell me “it happens, children die and you have to move forward” as if my child’s life was not important. I allowed her to baby-sit a boy  in my home with the condition of going to his house when he is sick. She agreed and one day she hid the fact that he was sick until I realized it for myself and 24hrs later my daughter was in the hospital with a severe respiratory infection. Till this day she denies any wrong doing and still defends her decision to allow a sick child into my home after being told my daughter could die. I had to swallow my tongue and watch her sing and play to this child on a daily basis but when she held my daughter she was cold like a brick as if my daughter was not real.

The decision was made for her to leave as I could not pay her anymore. She was horrified to learn that my husband could not support her anymore or that he would not be petitioning her other children for residency. How dare my hubby care for his family and not shell out the money as she wanted. Now living barely two miles from us she never wanted to see her grandchildren despite my husbands countless phone calls and attempts to get her attention. When Tristan fractured his head last August he asked her to stay with the other children so he could be with me through the ordeal.  All she did was complain about us taking so long she even refused to cook for my children. When we finally arrived home with the baby after 48hours she immediately asked to be taken home, nevermind that Tristan had a fractured head or that she had not seen him for over a month. We told her that Tristan’s baptism was the following weekend and took her home. The following week she did not attend the baptism and told a family member she was too busy, the following day she threw a HUGE crying fit and told my husband’s family we had not invited her and that her son does not love her. You have no idea how furious I was. My husband was approached by one of his uncles because of this. She is a cruel, selfish and horrible person.

A few short months ago he went behind my back and asked her if she would like to return to live with us so I could possibly return to work. He explained how critical Sophie’s health is and how we could not put her in school. She did not respond at all it left my husband pretty upset he said it was as if she had no emotion. A couple of days ago I was told my husbands uncles are very disappointed in him because of how he treats his mother because She is his mother above all and should be treated as such, that I was not even raised right. Are you freaking kidding me?! I am beyond frustrated. All she cares about is money. You would think someone who had struggled so much in life would be different. I have tried many times to forgive and move on but I just cannot anymore. I feel as if my husband has not stood up for us, he has allowed his mother to mistreat his children and me. He continues to allow her to control him and I am having a hard time getting past this. I am very angry at him! I will not interfere with him visiting her or taking the kids to see her but I will no longer tolerate her in my home, she is not welcome! Those that are so easily blinded by her innocent look without learning the truth before you judge, I feel sorry for you.

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4 thoughts on “The In-law…

  1. queenofchaosmom

    My mother in law is the one topic I am not “allowed” to blog about and I find it so hard. We have different situations in that my mother in law is passive aggressive and it’s hard to pin point exactly what she is doing other than interfering and suffocating. I am so sorry that she gives you so much trouble. I wish for you and your kids’ sake, she was more of a support for you.

    Reply
    1. Life's Unexpected Blessings Post author

      Thank you! I try not to blog about her but I doubt my husbnad or his family ever even take a peek a my blog. And it’s really been weighing on me so I decided to. In laws can be so difficult. I pray that I will have great relationships with my children’s partners when they grow up. I certainly would never want to do anything that would hurt them. I can say this is how “I vow not to be”.

      Reply
  2. Glenna

    You are an amazing person Charity and one of my dearest friends. May God richly bless you for your loving spirit. It’s her loss, and not acceptable – good for you!

    Reply

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