I’m back!! I’ve been swamped with the kids returning to school and literally no time for myself. I’m exhausted but slowly getting myself together. I’ve been a little blue lately, feeling overwhelmed, sad and a little selfish.
I’ve been feeling a little lost lately and invisible. I also realized I’m pretty sick of it, so I gave myself a break. A break from doctors, errands and the rest of the world while I tried to figure out what was going on inside myself. It’s hard to try to find yourself in the midst of so much craziness and responsibility. Keeping a house clean, laundry caught up, kids from killing each other, everyone fed and food in your house when you have seven children is almost impossible but I do the best I can.
I have been wanting to return to school for a while now. To my surprise there’s a college by my house that has the culinary course I have been wanting to take, I was so excited until I realized they only have full-time day classes. It made me frustrated with my life. The reality the I am virtually alone, that I have no one to help me at all and I have seven children that are my complete responsibility is overwhelming. It made me mad! I felt betrayed in a sense because over the last fifteen years I have helped so many and yet there is never anyone there when I need some help. And the fact that I’m in a state seven hundred miles away from mine or my husband’s family has nothing to do with it. When we lived in Florida we had both of our families within miles distance and we were still alone.
The truth is I’m ready to regain “my life”, in the sense that I would like to do more for myself. Taking time for myself is nearly impossible these days and I want that to change. I need adult interaction. I need time to write. I need time without screaming children and I need at least an hour a day where I can just be. Some time to just breathe without having to turn my head to check on Sophie every three seconds, where I can let my mind rest. I want and need to work again, from home eventually until I can one day open my own bakery.
But, I have realized the timing just is not right for me, at least not yet. Sophie is still getting sick all the time, sending her to school is just not an option and I have a 17-month old too. I know I can make it happen eventually, when the time is right. Sometimes we allow our wants to overcome us. We want something and we want it right now so we allow it to consume us. It made me feel guilty but then I realized I’m just as human as everyone else and wanting more for me is only natural and I should have nothing to feel guilty about.
So I’m slowly getting myself back on track. I joined the PTO at the elementary school, Elyas joined the cub scouts, Ariana is in therapy, Sophie started receiving in home services and I am working my way up to scheduling the dozen doctors appointments that need to get done. All while getting myself and the two youngest through a stomach virus that has lasted about a week with no end in sight.
While many of my wonderful friends think I am superwoman, thank you for that! I am the furthest thing from it. I’m just a mom who loves her family and is willing to do what it takes to keep everyone happy healthy and together. So if that’s supermom material I’ll take it but the title is shared with all the mom’s out there that love their families and do all they can to make it work. As women we carry the world on our shoulders. We give up alot of what we want to make other’s happy. That is what we mother’s do, we sacrifice without complaining for the ones we love.