This week I found myself in a familiar place that fills my world with fear and despair a place I had hoped I would not find myself again. I thought Sophie was finally reaching that developmental stage of maturing immune system. In the last few months I had started to let go a bit and allow the hope to fill my areas of fear and with each passing day I felt so sure it was really starting to happen.
Then she woke up with a cough and I thought oh it’s just her asthma but it continued to get worse, she started to refuse to eat and so I took her to the doctor. The doctor said her lungs sounded clear and gave us some antibiotics to use if she worsened in the next few days. We were hoping to allow her body time to fight but had a back up plan incase she happened to become sicker within the week. It only took that evening from her to go from mild to severe, the fever began shortly after getting her to bed along with the non-stop coughing than she began to vomit. Vomiting phlegm because there was nothing in her stomach, I stripped her down to her diaper to break the fever and cleaned her up. The night passed I was already drained since this was my second night with no sleep. When I returned from taking the kids to the bus stop I went in to check on her since Emily had just walked away from her to get ready for school. That was the moment that took me back to that familiar feeling…she was curled up in a ball vomiting phlegm from her mouth and it had clogged her nose and she could not breathe. I grabbed her and started to clear her air way yelling for some one to bring me the syringe to suction her, what would have happened had I not walked into my room at that moment? Just as she took her first breath as I looked at her blue face and glanced down to see spots of blood in the phlegm that was all over my bed I realized I was in that place again. My poor little angel, why does she have to suffer this way?!
When all the kids left for school I sat on my bed rocking her to comfort her as I looked at the picture of Jesus I have on my wall. I could not help but cry, I became so angry! Why God, Why? I asked. What did I do to deserve so much pain in my heart. Because I can tell you there is no greater pain aside from losing a loved one than to see your child suffer. It’s a paralyzing helpless feeling. I cried and cried hard and found myself in that dark place full of despair as I held my weak little girl. What had she ever done to deserve so much sickness, this is not fair. And so I was angry and I sat there and cried until the clock struck 9am where I then gathered myself and called the doctor. All I had to say was that she got worse over night and I was out the door a few minutes later.
I dressed her transferred to and from the car seat and she was too weak to even open her eyes. When we put her on the scale and I saw she had already lost a whole pound I could not keep myself together. The doctor came in to check her and was surprised at how quickly she started to deteriorate. I told the doctor this is why I’m so paranoid it only takes hours for her to develop a fever, become dehydrated and start to lose weight while the bacteria take over her little body and she said “yes, I see that but I am grateful that you are the way you are with her in this case paranoid is good” and without hesitation she agreed with me to start the antibiotic injection (rocephin) and ordered labs and an x-ray because her lungs did not sound great. I saw the same familiar fear in her eyes that I saw in Dr Nieves’s (our previous and amazing pediatrician) eyes. That’s scary.
I had to call my husband to leave work to go with me to the hospital to have the tests done because I could not go alone with Tristan too. She was already dehydrated she was poked several times thanks to collapsing veins. She spent the rest of the day laying on me and little by little I could see the energy returning to her. She drank a few ounces of her oatmeal drink and some water and by bed time you could see my little angel coming back to me. The following morning she went for her second of three doses of rocephin and the doctor had all her results. At first I misunderstood and thought she said her lungs were clear until she read me the report, a respiratory infection with bronchitis and onset pneumonia, REALY? The one thing I’m terrified of most of all and her levels were all elevated including her liver enzymes. That empty feeling you get in your stomach when you have a bad feeling that’s how I felt.
We will finish the rocephin injections and follow that with a five day course of z-pack and follow that with a ten day treatment of omnicef, we are backing up our back up. And Tristan is now sick too and to avoid more complications he is now on omnicef too.
I have to say I never imagined you could ever feel so much emotional pain and no matter how many times I find myself in the same situation the pain does not decrease. I don’t feel like I will ever be prepared no matter have many times we have experienced this sickness. Each time the fear is just so much stronger, the despair finds its way out so much quicker and I find myself wondering if this will ever end. I start questioning why God gave me this amazing child if he planned on taking her from me because I just cannot imagine my life without her. I have given up so much and dedicated myself to keep her here I don’t think I can prepare myself enough for these moments that remind me that I can lose her at anytime. I wake up everyday and make sure she is breathing before I can start my day and I am grateful to feel her chest moving and then I can find the strength to start my day.