I have never been one to have a new years resolution because I figure why wait for a new year to make changes when you wake up each day with new opportunities. Last year I thought I would give it a shot and came up with a few things I wanted to do for self growth and to help me get back to feeling alive again. How did it go? Let’s just say I won’t be making resolutions for 2013.
To be honest I gave up trying about mid year, it’s not that I did not try because I did, I just don’t know what happened.
I was supposed to … stay Positive, cry less and not feel sorry for myself. I would say it was a fail. I probably cried more than I had in a very long time, I did try to stay positive but there was always someone or something trying to knock me down. I did stop feeling sorry for myself that turned into more of a “what the hell happened to me” dilemma.
I was supposed to… learn to say NO, I cannot do everything for everyone anymore. Complete failure! I cannot figure out why I cannot say no to people, I’m really starting to hate myself for it. I have realized how much people take advantage of me and how unappreciative people are. It’s like they think I am obligated to do things for them just because.
I was supposed to… make time for ME so I can pluck my eyebrows, fix my hair, paint my nails, read a book, enjoy a glass of wine in total quiet and shave more than once a month. What was I thinking? Time for myself, maybe just maybe when the kids grow up and move out. Did I really think I would find time to do all the necessary beauty grooming techniques a women must do to not resemble a wild animal. What world do I live in? The audacity that a mother be given time to herself! And for the record I’m still trying to finish an amazing book I started reading over the summer.
I was supposed to… lock the bathroom door so I at least have enough time to apply lotion to my body before I’m interrupted 20 times and just say to hell with it. Another fail! Lord knows I try, God forbid I get a chance to pee ALONE. Showering late at night doesn’t help either because I have teenagers! Oh and did you know the best time to ask questions is when your busy, yeah it’s like the moment your attention is on something else it’s time for them to attack with a million questions.
I was supposed to… ignore my husbands negative remarks when he has to be right although I know I am. After eighteen years you would think he knows me better by now. You can’t win an arguement with me, I DON”T GIVE UP!
I was supposed to… not cry every time one of my kids treats me like crap because I am doing my best, and inevitable they will become their own person not who I expect them to be. Still cannot get past it, for some reason there insults hurt more.
I was supposed to… give myself more credit for all I have accomplished with the little I have at my disposal. I could say this one is a pass, I have realized I have managed to bring myself and my family a long way in this absolutely crazy life.
I was supposed to… have a girls night out. I would need friends for that and I really haven’t made enough friends here for that. I did have a girls night out early in the year with an old friend from middle school but she dropped off the map after that and I don’t have time for people who don’t have time for me.
I was supposed to… not feel guilty because I really want a whole day to myself without having to take care of anyone. This was a pass, I don’t feel guilty anymore. Hell, I don’t want a day I really really want a whole weekend to myself!
I was supposed to… wear stilettos more often because they always made me feel sexy and beautiful and deep down I really miss the 7 dozen pairs I gave away after Sophie was born, I gave them away because I felt guilty having so many. I got one or two nights of stilettos in the year so I guess it’s a sort of pass, better than zero.
I was supposed to… get healthier possibly a little thinner. I’m over the wanting to get thinner but the healthier part is still something I would love some time for, it would be great to be able to walk several miles a day again.
I was supposed to… listen to music more and dance even when I’m alone. TOTAL FAIL!
I was supposed to… treat myself to a new out fit or pair of shoes more than once a year, because I deserve it. This was a pass in small ways but a pass. I still have a hard time buying myself something if I know the kids are in need of something because they ultimately come first.
My goal for 2012 was to live a little, to remember I am also alive and not a care taker robot. I have given myself to so many for so long I have become the shadow of my life and I don’t want to have regrets.
So for 2013 all I want is to be Happy. Very simple really. I’d like to get through a day without tears unless they are happy tears because those are always welcome. I want to laugh and smile ALOT. I want to be healthy and wake up everyday wanting to get out of bed and start my day. I would like to make new friends not just acquaintances and more than anything I want my family to be happy and stop complaining about anything and everything. Is it possible? Maybe, I’ll let you know at the end of this year.