Honesty

Honesty, it’s alot harder to live by than many think. For me honesty is just part of who I am, it’s part of who I will always be. As a child I felt alone, abandoned and struggled emotionally well into my adulthood. When I was fourteen I was in a very bad place in my life I did not live with my family and life had begun to feel useless to me, I often wondered if I had a purpose for this life. And than one day I decided to break the chains that held me down and began a path to self liberation.  I decided then that I would live the rest of my life being honest with myself. It was hard, it still is hard when you live in a world where honesty is a rarity.

I freed myself and started on a new path in my life just before my fifteenth birthday. I decided to live my life with the truth, even if it meant that the truth may sometimes hurt those I love.

I tried being honest with myself until life caught up with me and being honest with myself seemed a part of the past. In being honest I don’t just mean speaking the truth, it’s so much more than that. Being aware and faithful to myself, my beliefs and what I ultimately want in my life without always focusing on making others happy.

You tell yourself that this friend is true to you all the while you know they are only using you. You tell yourself your family does love you despite their endless actions of cruelty and selfishness. You tell yourself your marriage will be fine even though with each passing day you and your partner are drifting further ultimately growing in two different directions. You keep an open mind when your in-law moves in and wreaks havoc on your already difficult life when deep down inside you know your life will never be the same again.

And then it happens, a moment of insanity. You forget who you are, embrace the pain the missing honestly in your life has left. You lose your self becoming another person full of hurt, anger and despair. You wander in the darkness back to a place you were fifteen years prior, you cry in sadness as you no longer recognize yourself.

And than one day you wake up, for a moment you see the person you once knew yourself to be. This person who is fighting to find there way back to the suface above all the pain, but it’s so hard, there is now so much more to overcome. And slowly you open the door to self healing once again.

You must be honest to yourself, you have no choice not if you want to feel life again. And so you do. Little by little you begin to forgive yourself for your own betrayal, for hurting those you love and for denying yourself the honesty you deserve.

You realize how far you have come and are grateful you could feel the freedom once again. The freedom being honest with yourself gives you, the strength to be true to yourself about something in your life you may need to accept or want to change. And you swear from that moment on you will never be dishonest to yourself or those you care about ever again. No matter what situation arises good or bad being honest and truthful will set you free, right?

What happens when you decide to spend your life with someone who cannot be honest with you or themselves?

What happens when friendships you once had that meant so much cannot stand the test of honesty even after you swore to be honest with each other no matter what?

What happens when family cannot handle the truth?

I always tell people from the first time we meet that I am honest, sometimes the delivery of my honesty can be a little delayed because I care too much about hurting others but it does come out in the end. Some take offense to it, in the end my intention is never to hurt anyone. The hardest thing is when you are honest with someone and you don’t expect they will perceive it in a negative way but they do. And sometimes there is no going back after that.

Words hurt, believe me I know! Sometimes we try to apologize for the hurt our honesty caused although we know it won’t do any good. I for one will not apologize for my honesty, but I will for the hurt my honesty may have caused. It does not mean I am admitting to being wrong it just means I’m sorry for hurting you.

And what if even after all these years of being honest, knowing what you want life is just to difficult for you to follow through. Does this mean being honest to yourself was not even worth it? No, it just means you may not have seized the right moment or it just hasn’t arrived yet.

Being honest has cost me alot, as I look back through all the years and broken relationships I would take being honest all over again, anytime. Being honest to myself is who I am. I won’t pretend to be someone I am not, I’ve done it…it’s just not for me, that’s not living at all.

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