Trust. It’s something I have struggled with my whole life from the moment I was born. While my mother was pregnant with me she tried several times to terminate her pregnancy but she was too far along. She worked in a bar in Miami and already had my brother who is a year and a half older than me. Apparently my father was an addict and abusive to her so she did not want to have another child. When I was born my mother left the hospital, without me. My maternal grandmother took me home she even named me after herself her name is Caridad which is translated to Charity in english, I was a preemie weighing only about 3-4lbs. My grandmother did do her best to care for me but she had a daughter only three years older than me who was her prized child. Thorough out the years as far back as I could remember my life consisted of a tug of war between my mother and grandmother. When my mother felt guilty she would rip me away from my grandmother to only return me to her almost immediately. Who was I to trust?
The only one person I could trust was my grandfather he did not treat me any differently, he was the only one who did not treat me as if I was a burden. As I grew older it just got worse, on my 9th birthday my mother unintentionally and after drinking too much began to tell me her sob story of wanting to get rid of me while she was pregnant, I WAS NINE! As I grew I wondered why she kept my brother and my two younger sisters but never wanted me around. How can you trust someone who never wanted you to live. The relationship with my grandmother grew distant as I got older and her preference for my aunt turned me into the black sheep of the family. I returned with my mother and forgave her for her neglect for the millionth time but could never fully trust her it was impossible to trust anyone.
When I met my husband I was a few weeks shy of my fifteenth birthday and had just returned to live with my family after almost two years. I had been through so much and was just so tired of life, I was depressed and felt broken but I was determined to live. When we met there was an instant connection, I felt a sense of comfort just being around him. As we started dating and got to know each other better I began to trust him, to trust the feelings I had for him. But I was so afraid, it was so hard to trust anyone.
With time I learned to trust him, with time he became my best friend. I began to trust myself in an effort to allow myself to trust others, I longed for a good friend but every time I let someone in they betrayed my trust. This went on for many years until I eventually stopped letting people in my life. By my early twenties I thought the relationships I had with family members were healing but I was wrong, the betrayals just continued.
I learned that I could only trust myself and my husband. This inability to trust made me very protective with my children, I never allowed my family to take them anywhere. While I do think it made me a better mother it also made me a very frantic mother, easily overwhelmed and a worry wart.
Here I am twenty years later still struggling to trust. In the last ten years I have lost or had to terminate the majority of the “close, good friends” I had. I have even lost some of that trust I once had with husband, not in the way of adultery or any crazy way like that. With him it was part of the friendship trust we used to have but has faded with time, my mother in laws intent to destroy our marriage had alot to do with that.
The problem is now I don’t want to trust anyone anymore. I’m having a hard time moving forward very hesitant about forging new friendships. I barely talk to my family, I don’t trust 90% of them. It’s hard to live your life wanting to always be around people but afraid they are just going to betray you. And once that trust is gone it’s one of the hardest things to rebuild, it can take years and even then it can never be like it once was. So I’m back where I started trying to rebuild my strength and desire to trust again.