Hope

HOPE

As I look back on the journey of my life I can appreciate all that I have overcome and how I have grown. Starting a family at such a young age while I still had not overcome my childhood was a challenge in its self but, I prevailed. I forgave those who have been unkind to me and that forgiveness opened the door for my own healing, it allowed me to move on and keep living.

Several years ago I was in a very difficult time emotionally, our financial difficulties began and my marriage had begun to fall apart. I was beside my self with anger and made stupid decisions that made my life more difficult. I was able to overcome it all and came out of that negative time of my life more aware than ever. Those experiences began to change me for the better.

When Sophie was born my life had just begun to rebalance itself  once again. We had begun to climb to financial stability after alot of hard work and my marriage was healing itself. While I had overcome so much already I never realized I would face an immeasurable amount of pain and sorrow with the birth of this beautiful child we so anxiously awaited.  I would have never believed that so much pain could bring me to a place of healing and acceptance.

Sophie’s birth began to destroy my emotional stability, I was scared and full of self-doubt. How could this happen to me when I did everything right. What had I done to deserve such unfairness. The pain was far to deep to grasp, the fear and sorrow that filled my heart was enough to destroy me. I felt my strength failing me, I screamed at God, often with anger, and disbelief that he would do this to me. I never slept, barely ate and cried almost all the time. I was allowing my fears to destroy me, the fear began to extinguish my light. I was in a deep dark place when someone helped me find my way out of the dark, and they did not even know they were saving me from the darkest place within my self where there was no hope.

The darkness began to lift allowing light back into my soul, I had found Hope again but this time it was fierce. My fears began to turn into strength and hope, hope that my daughter would grow and live despite all the medical diagnoses. Hope for myself that I would find strength to be her mother and provide her with all that she would need to survive. Hope that I could bring my family through this trial. And with time this hope just became a part of who I am, with each passing day and new milestone my hope continues to grow. It’s not just hope for this amazing child but hope for myself. Because with each passing day I have more hope for the person I am, for the person I am growing to be and the person I will become.

No matter how many times life has knocked me down I have always found a way to get back up, it may have taken me a little longer at times but it’s all part of my journey.  If life were easy would anything be worth it?

Hope, it’s powerful. I have it, alot of it and I am certain without it I would not be the person I am today.

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