The last few years have been continuously stressful for me, we lost so much and had so much to overcome. Emotional distress is not a stranger in my life but I have reached a point where I felt I was in control of it. While I have felt very relaxed lately and I feel as if my stress level has dropped by at least half I think my body has not caught up to my emotional state. Yesterday was a tough day for me, Sophie being sick terrifies me and yesterday she had alot of vomiting, reflux and aspirating and it was a combination of the three together. This was only a partial symptom as she had been battling a fever over the weekend so we visited the pediatrician, again, for another three-day dose of Rocephin injections which will be followed by weeks worth of back up meds. It has only been twelve days since her last three-day Rocephin treatment and here we are again.
While I felt calm throughout the day I was worrying, how could I not? I felt really drained and sad and started to experience tightness in my chest. As the day progressed I just felt worse, on my drive back from Ariana’s counseling session I began to feel chest pain and was feeling just a little off. I did the usual cooked dinner, finished laundry and took care of the kids. After my shower I thought it had subsided and assumed it was just stress but when I tried to go to sleep my heart began to race, I felt light-headed and shaky. I got up and of course googled my symptoms which I know you should never do but I did. I made myself some tea and sat in the bed and watched TV until I was able to breathe without strain. By this time it was almost two in the morning, I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep so I relaxed down and closed my eyes but just as I began to doze off I felt my heart racing and the pressure in my shoulders and chest returned. I was very light-headed and I began to shake. This continued until almost four when I was finally able to fall asleep.
I awoke two hours later to get the kids off to school and I realized it was still there, that heaviness and pain in my chest. I had a glass of milk to get nutrition in me but as the morning progressed I started to feel worse. I tried to meditate, I wanted to clear my mind and try to control my breathing in hopes that I would feel better. I prayed and was beginning to become afraid for myself but all the while all I could think about was who would take Sophie to get her second dose of rocephin injections if I had to go to the hospital. It took a good three hours but I began to feel better, just in time to get the kids up, dressed and take Sophie back to the doctor.
As much as I try I cannot shut my mind off it’s running ten miles a minute and there is nothing I can do to make it slow down. I worry about everything! And not having health insurance is another reason I hesitate to rush to the hospital. It’s sad that in order for me to have medical insurance it would take almost half of my husbands paycheck, weekly! We just cannot afford it, I have bills to pay and children I must provide for and sadly my health has to sit on the back burner.
I’ve never experienced an anxiety attack but I am assuming this is what happened to me, its logical right? Despite being a little light-headed I’m just extremely tired. In the back of my mind though I wonder if it’s the early sign of a heart attack because let’s face it, you never know and it’s not that uncommon. Or, maybe I’m just being paranoid and reading too much into it because I cannot shut my brain off. I know my body and I am generally quite healthy, last night scared me and I don’t ever want to go through that again. I hope it was just an anxiety attack because I just can’t get sick, I have too many people to take care of.