Just a mess!

Today has been such a rough day for me. I have cried almost the entire day, I feel defeated and  just needed to let go. My poor friend stopped in to check on me and I lost it, thank you Beth for picking up the pieces of my broken self.

I’m tired. I’m physically, emotionally and mentally spent. It’s just one thing after another and I feel like there is a black cloud following me. I just can’t get back on my feet before life knocks me down again.

Elyas came home with a runny nose and cough last week, he was fine with some Zyrtec but Sophie developed a cold. I am so grateful it has maintained as just a cold and her body is fighting it. Then, I got i got sick. Whatever bug they brought home it hit me the hardest, totally knocked me into a “mommy can’t because she is too sick” phase which lasted three days and is not a good thing when you have a house of 9 to maintain.

I am having a really hard time with my brothers cancer diagnosis. I just hate to see him in so much pain and I am angry at the world for all of its injustice. I have to be strong around him but when he is not around I find it hard to hold myself together. The truth is I’m angry at my mother too. She spends her days popping pills and who knows what other drugs not giving a crap about her life and yet she is fine and my brother who wants to live, works hard and loves life has to fight for it. Where is that fair?

Having to call all our family to give them updates on my brothers status in also very difficult but I have to do it. I also feel so very bad because no one in the family calls him. It’s heartbreaking when your friends call you everyday but your family cannot pick up the phone for two minutes to tell you they are thinking of you.

I know it’s a sorrow fest but I needed it. I feel like crap and I’m angry. As much as I try to be positive and hopeful today I just don’t want to try. I need to get it out, I need to let it all go.

I’m sure tomorrow I will pick myself back up and move forward but today I’m allowing myself to be angry. Today I am saying I don’t care if this is all part of a bigger plan, I don’t like it or agree with it. And I’m mad a God for giving me more than I can handle, I am only human after all!

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