I finally went to the doctor for a check up after contemplating it for months; my last check up was over ten years ago so you can say I was a little overdue. As I am not getting any younger I decided it was time to focus on staying healthy because I’m the glue that holds my family together and well….I have alot to live for.
When the doctor came into the room I was pretty nervous until she began to talk, she is young and she totally understood me. We began discussing me and my life and before you knew it I was in tears. It was as if she was inside my head, she said things to me that I am always telling myself. She asked me “how are you?”, because parents of an individual with special needs focus on their loved one and rarely take a step back to focus on themselves. When she asked me all I could do was cry, I hold it all in and it has begun to consume me. She pointed out that I have lost myself trying to care for everyone else in my life. It was also very obvious how critically important it is for me to focus on me from here on out.
We talked, alot. I felt bad because she took so much time to chat with me but the truth is I needed it. I needed someone to come in from the outside who was not affected by my everyday to give their perspective. By the end of the visit I began to realize I was depressed, how could I not be? I allow my every minute of everyday be consumed with fears and find it almost impossible to let it go. We also discussed my health and how my weight was affecting me and we made a conscious decision that I needed to lose some weight for my well-being.
We talked about antidepressants, I cautioned her about my hesitation to be put on meds and she understood. But, she gave me a script for one she believed would help me and told me it was up to me and that she would respect my decision. In the end this would only be one step in many to come in the journey of finding myself. After speaking with my brother he told me every time I had a conversation with him it broke his heart because I was always crying, I realized that I was in fact depressed. It was affecting my ability to enjoy my life and I was making others sad, so I made the decision to give it a try.
It has been a week since I started the antidepressant and I have to tell you I feel wonderful! I have so much energy and I have not cried once in the last week. I am so much more relaxed and changing my eating habits back to being super healthy has been so easy. I’ve lost over 5lbs just in the last week. I feel like me again. It’s been years since I have felt this way and I am loving it.
I will be joining the gym this coming week and making time for myself too. I realized I wanted to live and laugh again and I’m going to make it happen. I’ve given so much of myself to care for others, it’s time to take some time back for myself because I deserve it. And, in the end everyone will be grateful I did.
I’m taking care of me so I can take better care of those I love.