For years I have been asked if I would continue to add to my family and my response was usually, yes. I was always told that a women knew when she was done having children and I used to think I would never reach that point. I always felt like being a mother was my calling and the thought that I would never want to have more children seemed an impossibility for me for a long time. About ten months ago I contemplated adding another child to my clan, there was this emptiness, and incomplete feeling that I wanted to fulfill. I soon realized the emptiness that I was feeling was within myself and the sense of self loss I had been carrying.
As I have begun to rediscover myself I am grateful that I had my children young but I also feel like it’s time for me to focus some time and energy on myself. I now know with 100% certainty I do not want anymore children; the shear thought of being pregnant and having another child gives me anxiety. Not because having another child would be bad because I know children are a blessing, it’s because I feel complete. And honestly, I don’t think I can stretch myself any thinner than I already am.
I feel as if I’ve closed a huge chapter in my life and I am ready to start writing the next one. I had my children and they are growing up, I am raising them to the best of my ability and in the next few years my older children will be adults and they will be creating their own lives. And one day possibly starting their own families, the best part is that I will be there to enjoy it with them.
I am thirty-four years old and I am starting fresh, I am rediscovering who I am and what I want. After raising children for the past seventeen years I have realized I want more for myself. I love my family and have no regrets but I want to be successful once again. I want the opportunity to go back to school and open up a catering business one day. I want to love myself for me not for how good I have been to others, although being good to others is not a bad thing. I would like to travel and live a little more than I am now. I am discovering that there is a whole new set of dreams and goals I have for myself and I deserve to have the opportunity to fulfill them.
The truth is that even when all my other children have grown up and left home to begin their lives there will always be a child at home. Sophie will always have that beautiful innocence about her and despite the fact that she will grow older she will always be a child.
I always said I wanted to have all my children before I turned forty so that I could have some good years to dedicate time for myself and that’s one goal I did accomplished. Now the next chapter of my life begins.