How do I go on?

DSC_0028_fotorHow do I go on knowing what the future holds? In the last couple of weeks I have learned that my precious girl is fighting against the clock of life, her time is ticking away faster than we could have imagined. I’m not ready, I don’t think I could ever be ready.

I’ve written about Sophie having Cri du Chat Syndrome and with it developmental delays but that is  nothing in comparison to the sickness this syndrome has caused my little girl. Because of this syndrome Sophie was born fighting for her life, her lungs and neurological system were very immature despite that fact that she was born just three weeks before her due date. Heart and liver complications, aspirating, constipation, reflux, hearing loss, sub mucous cleft palate, microcephaly and the list goes on and on. But the worst thing that this syndrome caused was a rare lung disease called PCD, Primary Ciliary Dyskenisia (click here to read about the diagnosis).

PCD has been the primary cause of Sophie’s sickness, all of her choking, her sinus disease and all the respiratory infections that have plagued her little body. Sophie was only diagnosed with this disease last year in June 2013. Now that we know she has PCD we are treating her to help slow down the deterioration process but so much damage has already been done. In only a few short years the horrific bacteria that have invaded her little body have begun to destroy it and in the process essentially taking her life slowly.

I was told I need to prepare to let go of my child, possibly sooner rather than later. How can I do that? How is that even possible? How can I continue to live my life without being angry or bitter, without losing my faith. Honestly, I do not know. I look at my beautiful innocent child and all I see is pure light and love, I look forward to her amazing smile and energy everyday. How do I go on knowing one day she won’t be there to greet me when I wake up.

I walk through the door everyday and she runs around the living room in extreme excitement knowing that I will lift her up and fill her with hugs and kisses and her amazing laugh fills the room with delight. How do I go on knowing one day she won’t be there?

It’s the smallest of things like making sure there is always avocados, bananas and vanilla ice-cream for her to eat; making sure she has her favorites is something that runs through my mind each day. How do I go on knowing one day I won’t need to bring her home her goodies.

It’s everything about her, even in those moments when she is on sensory overload that she cries and jumps until she gets the car ride she so desperately needs to calm herself. How do I go on knowing she won’t need a ride one day?

How do I go on and try to imagine my life with out one of my children? It is a cruel reality many of us are forced to live in. But, somehow I must go on. I must learn to move forward and one day I will wake up and I won’t have a choice.

But until that day comes I will live each day to the fullest, I will love my precious little girl like no other. I will fight for her till the end of the heavens if I have too. I will go on because I cannot waste one precious moment wondering how or why?

I cannot let this break me. Life is unfair, bad things happen to good people everyday and it’s no one’s fault, it is just a part of life. All I can do is cherish each day and do my best to keep my little girl as healthy as possible. All of a sudden the things I was heavily dwelling on just a few months ago like her not being able to go to school or able to go to a birthday party seem so insignificant to me. Those things I was protecting her from will come back to get her anyway.

I never thought my life would lead me down this path, I would not wish this heartache on anyone. But I will tell you that those who have had the pleasure of meeting my little girl and being a part of her life will tell you there is something about her soul that fills you with love and peace.

For now I will pray, I will be grateful she is still by my side. I will not let anger destroy me, nothing will taint the beauty of her life. A beautiful, perfect soul. And now and forever I will be the lucky one to say that she is my daughter.

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