Harder. Yet easier.

It’s been a bit since I’ve posted, sorry for the delay but life is has been really busy lately.

As time passes I find myself coping with different situations differently as they arise. Sophie is becoming more independent and really finding herself but that is rocky terrain in itself. Her ability to comprehend is growing but with it her frustration with her inability to communicate verbally. She wants to say so much but just cannot.

It’s hard. Some days she won’t stay still, she bounces around the house knocking down picture frames off the walls, swiping everything she can reach off of counters and kicking down child gates, attacking her siblings and so much more. Some days my mother in law and I find ourselves speechless. And for th ose that know me know that says a lot, I always have something to say. Recently however I just cannot find the words to explain how I am feeling.

Aggression. It is manifesting itself more and more each day. It’s devastating. It’s overwhelming. It’s sad. Why. Why must my little girl go through so much. Some days there are just no words to describe it all. When she wants something and we cannot figure out what it is she becomes upset, she will bite and pinch and pull hair. And no matter how much you tell her to stop its as if she cannot control it. You can see that she understands that is not nice but she just cannot help it. She will cry, and she never cries. She starts biting her tongue in frustration and develops ulcers and will even stop eating from being overwhelmed.

Every day gets harder. Harder to watch her grow older and yet developmentally she is years behind. Harder to watch her struggle when she tries so hard. Harder to watch her absorb the changes around her and know that she is trying to understand it all but just cannot. It’s hard knowing that the future holds so many challenges.

And yet some days are easy. Easy to see her for who she is, a beautiful innocent little girl. My little girl. The little girl I longed for and begged God to give me. Easier to see past this Syndrome that took over our lives for a time and easier to see an individual full of determination and love for life.

It’s easier to wake up each day looking forward too seeing my girl. Easier to look to the future with my girl by my side. Easier to connect with her as she understands more and more each day. It’s easier to cuddle and enjoy a movie with her. And so much more.

It’s harder yet easier. It’s a love hate relationship with Cri du Chat syndrome. My daughter has it so in a sense I love it because it is a part of her and will always be but I also hate it for all the struggles and heartache is has caused and will cause in our lives.

Each day becomes harder and yet a little easier.

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