Tag Archives: motherhood

I am stronger because I am their mother.

It is hard to believe how I have evolved as a mother and as a woman, I always thought about the person I wanted to one day become but the years passed and I felt as if that person was a fictional character.

My difficult childhood took a toll on the person I wanted to become and there was a point in my life where I had given up on my own growth.  But with the birth of each of my children I rediscovered myself just a little more, each one of my children are like pieces of the puzzle of my life.  Each one of them taught me a little more about myself and I was able to see glimpses of that person I dreamed of becoming. The biggest lesson my children have taught me is the endless amount of love you can feel for a child, no matter how old they are. There are no words to describe the love I feel for them, it is immeasurable. To know and feel that you would trade your life in an instant for theirs without a second thought or fear is a grand experience.

Sophie’s birth changed me drastically, my precious girl with her mere existence was a really big piece of the complicated puzzle of my life. Her birth left me completely exposed, no more barriers, no more hiding; it was time to face life. Who was I? Did I truly know myself, or was I pretending to be someone else because I had no idea who I really was. Her birth  lead me down a path of emotional self-destruction, then a healing phase and what  followed was an awakening of my true self.

Sacrifices were made to give Sophie a fighting chance at life, but little did I know just how hard all of those changes would be for my family. The reality was much more scary than how I thought we would make it through. But we have pulled through and I am stronger than I could have ever imagined I could be. And in giving Sophie a voice I found my own. I discovered my inner self and realized that I could speak up, I could say no and close the doors to toxic relationships. I didn’t care anymore what others opinions of me were, it is my life not theirs. 

I learned to fight for my family and for myself, I came to learn what true friendships are and have a new-found respect and appreciation for life. I finally realized that I deserve more, and I was finally able to accept myself for who I am. I closed the door on many relationships including those with family members who only used me for their own agenda and as there guinea pig for spreading ugly lies because they thrive off of gossip.

I am now able to separate myself from groups that I felt did not support my needs or feelings despite my once dedication to them, I don’t need any of these situations that bring negativity into my life. I am now able to let them go without the need for explanations or apologies. I found my freedom in this new-found strength. A freedom that opened my eyes to reality, that not everyone is true or cares for you. I was always very gullible, but I am not anymore.

I found my strength to fight, and my voice to stand tall, I found the strength to love myself with all my flaws and be proud of the woman I have become. And I finally realized that I have become that woman I had always dreamed of and more.

My children fueled my desire to become greater, and they taught me the meaning of true and unconditional love. My determination to give my children the best and happiest life possible is what helped me move past what was limiting me.

So when I am faced with obstacles and I feel like the world is up against me I can reflect on how far I have come, how strong I truly am and I can keep moving forward. Being a mother has been the biggest accomplishment of my life and it has set the stage for me to want to grow more each day.

I would not be who I am without my children, all six of them!

I am stronger today because I am their mother.

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Everyday is a lesson

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With each passing day there are new lessons that life can teach us. When you make a commitment and choose to change your mind, heart and soul to let go of hatred and negativity all you need is the will and you will succeed.

I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be but I like the person I am today. When I look back to all my yesterdays I understand why so many mistakes were made. Accepting the mistakes I’ve made, forgiving myself and others have led me on a path of happiness.

I am happy, the happiest I have been in a very long time. My children are happy and calm, and our home is peaceful. I cannot even remember the last time I cried, that is a blessing. And I accomplished this serenity with a tremendous amount of faith and support from my wonderful husband.

Even though I am in a good place emotionally and spiritually is does not mean my life is perfect, I will have days that leave me drained and spent. Everyday circumstances can effect my moods and my energy level can also have a huge affect on me.

But, with each day and every encounter I have a choice. I can choose to be strong and forgiving or be angry and bitter. I am no longer angry and bitter. Life is too precious to waste one moment of it.

Take each day my friends and find the lessons life is giving you so that tomorrow will always be better than today.

If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present. ~ Buddhist Wisdom ~
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Finding and accepting myself

It has been a very rough few years for me and my family, if you are a regular follower you know why. If you are new to my blog as I have many new followers here is a little flash back.

I had a rough childhood which lead to alot of emotional issues from a young age. I had my first child at sixteen, he is now 18. I then proceeded to have five more children throughout the next sixteen years. I was lucky to have found a great guy who loves me and puts up with me because I am not an easy load to carry. I battled with my own emotional stability for many years and then hit rock bottom after the birth of my fifth child Sophie, who happens to have Cri du Chat syndrome a rare genetic disorder. Sophie also has a long list of medical issues including a recently diagnosed rare lung disease called PCD. I’m still with the same great guy, I don’t know how he has put up with me for so long and we took custody of my niece a couple of years ago which brings our clan to a total of 7 kids. Yes. 7.

Fast forward to 2012. After searching for an easier way out and what we thought were better benefits for our daughter we moved to North Carolina. After 11 months we returned to Florida but not empty hearted.

The move to North Carolina helped me in more ways than I could have imagined. It helped me truly find myself. It was a difficult journey but in the end it was so worth it. The return to Florida proved to be a huge challenge but it helped me realize that I was more than what I had given myself credit for, for so many years.

In the last year I have come to let go of my obsession with my looks and accept myself for the woman I am today. I have learned to value my accomplishments and goals and found the strength to forgive myself for my mistakes and move forward to a better tomorrow. I’ve learned to let go of anger, and forgive others. No more grudges.

I am grateful for all the experiences life has given me, the good with the bad. I have been blessed with wonderful people in my life and I will never take them for granted again. I freed myself of people who weighed me down and made peace with someone who was always special to me. And although we may never be the way we were again that bond we had will always live on.

It is truly amazing how much you can change your life when you accept yourself for who you truly are. True happiness can only come from within and no one can give you that but yourself, a lesson that can only be learned from experience.

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Suddenly, the what if’s…

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You are perfect in every way, you were created so angelic in the image of perfection and yet although my heart knows it, sometimes it’s not enough.

Suddenly, I drive by and see the crowd of children playing and there it is. The image of what if, the child who looks almost exactly like you; you seem to be around the same age, your hair color is almost identical and then suddenly it feels as if I cannot breathe.

The tears begin to flow, this immense feeling of sadness overwhelms the better part of me and all that runs through my heart and mind is “what if?”.

What if life had been different? What if you were not faced with all the challenges life has dealt you? What if you could talk and dance and eat like a every other child your age.

What would you say? What would be your favorite food? What would be your favorite dance style or favorite toy.

What if it had all been different? What if life would not have been so cruel?

And then I see you and the peace slowly returns as my heart fills with love each time I am in your presence and I know….There will always be “what if’s” and it doesn’t mean I don’t love you it just means, I am only human.

Life

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Life…

a journey,

an adventure,

a learning experience.

Life can be full of…

happiness,

sadness,

love,

friendships,

laughter,

tears.

Life…

A transformation of the soul.

A perfection of one’s self.

The greatest journey imaginable.

The most difficult road to travel.

Life is what we make it.

Positive thoughts bring positive outcomes.

The belief and love of ones self is essential to a happy life.

Living without the meds but healing.

I’ve been focusing on emotional healing lately, it’s been overwhelming with so many different emotions running through me. Several weeks ago I decided it was time to see a doctor, it was one of the best decisions I have made in a very long time. I realized I was not in a good place and I needed to truly focus on self-healing. I agreed to take an antidepressant which helped me immediately, it was the best I had felt in a very long time but after several days I developed chest pains that became persistent. After a visit to the doctor she decided my meds needed to be changed.

The new meds made me feel awful but I decided to stick it out because I have a friend who is one them and after the side effects wore off they really have helped her. I was hopeful when the side affects began to dissipate and I started to feel somewhat better but then I developed horrible headaches. The doctor had told me to wean myself off of the meds if I began to feel off and so I did.

I have always had a fear of medication; I am somewhat a naturalist when it comes to sickness. Ironic isn’t it that I am the mother of a child that requires so much medical intervention? Despite my fears I would never deny my children any medical care that will keep them safe or healthy.

Anyhow, there is a reason I have always feared medication and now I understand why. At first I thought it was the fear of ending up like my mother, my mother is a prescription addict but I have just had horrible experiences with medicine having reactions to several different types of medications. I refused pain medication and opted for natural childbirth over and over again (with no regrets), of fear of the negative side affects I could suffer from the medication. In 2008 after an emergency appendectomy I had to be knocked out in order to control a severe reaction I had to the morphine I had been given for the pain, my husband and brother were already overly stressed because of the emergency nature of the situation. Today I honestly think it is my subconscious warning me of my sensitivity to medicines.

After much thought I have decided that despite how much better I have felt on the antidepressants I need to move forward without them. I cannot afford to take the chance of something bad happening to me. The last few weeks have truly helped me, feeling relaxed and calm have helped me more than I could have imagined.

I am now in a better place emotionally. I have direction, new goals and I feel as if I am me again. I feel as if those few weeks helped me find myself, it was just what I needed.

I believe I will always have my emotional downfalls but that is just a part of what my life will entail. The difference between then and now is that I am more aware and I know those emotions will not destroy me, I know I am strong.

For the first time in a very long time I feel like “Charity” again. I can see myself and I am happier and more relaxed. I may not be able to take the antidepressants but I am finally healing from within. I am in a much better place and I believe it will only get better from here.

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